Me
By Boudicca | February 23, 2007
I thought I’d use my first post on The Unedited Life to tell you a little bit about who I am. I would like this blog to be a place where we get to know one another – through the blog posts, comments, and over at the forum. The 20th and 21st centuries have opened up so many pathways to relationship, chief among them “virtual reality” such as the internet. If you’re reading this, most likely you’ve either already been impacted by the blogging world, or you’re getting interested in it. Either way, welcome to The Unedited Life.
In the “About” page of this site, you’ll see a little bit about why I chose the pseudonym Boudicca. I’m not going to repeat that little story here. No, here I just feel like painting a broad swath to give you a little window into my heart.
I love slow mornings and fast dancing, chai lattes and warm Thai food. My favorite things include reading and writing, but nothing beats a deep conversation with a good friend. I used to be a “doer” but I wore my body out and now I’m learning how to “be.” I was told about God from the beginning of my consciousness, and I came to know him very early. Our life together has been a dance, a painting, a poem. It has grown by tears, by study, and by the way he shows himself to me in the sunset. I like things very neat and organized, and if my space is a mess, the inside of my head is a mess too. I can be very, very silly – just ask anyone who has seen me in my “loopy” mood late into the middle of the night. I love traveling – experiencing new places, new people, new things. I want my soul to expand, to learn to embrace the world. I used to want to change the world; my question now is “How can I love the world?” I am 26, but I still have the daydreams of a schoolgirl. I am someone who questions. I like to read and study and talk to people with other viewpoints, because I have learned that I am often wrong about what I think, and I am informed and challenged by people who have perspectives that differ from my own. However, I don’t really like intellectual arguments or debates. I used to – I used to thrive on such things. But I learned along the way that while you can use an argument to prove a point, you can never use an argument to love someone. I care about wellness, mostly because I drove my body into the ground and now I have to learn how to take care of it. Taking care of me was never something I was good at – but now I’m forced to learn. What I want more than anything in the world is to walk in intimate relationship with a few, to share our lives and our hearts and our tears and our dreams together, and so experience the mystery that the Bible calls “the body of Christ.” I love Africa, and I love the children of Darfur. Their faces make me weep, even more because there is so little I can do for them. When I was about 14 I started reading heavy theology books – J.I. Packer, John Piper, various Puritan writings, Jerry Bridges, Wayne Grudem, and others. I read more before I graduated high school than many seminarians. It was the last time I knew everything. I have a perfection complex mixed with a great deal of shame and condemnation for my wicked heart, imputed to me through my church upbringing. I was the kid growing up who didn’t know how to lie. I say that, not in some sort of heroic way, but to illustrate the paralyzing power of my own shame. I know the pain of unrequited love…I know what it means to have your heart shattered and your name dragged through the dirt because you were bold enough, daring enough, to love another person and in the process believe that maybe, just maybe, you could be loved in return. In recent years God has graciously led me into an intimate dance with him, away from the shame game and performance trap of organized religion. I don’t go to organized, institutional church anymore – I walked away about four years ago, after seeing much abuse of power and little evidence of grace and the power of the life of Christ. I love the people he has led me to love ever since that departure from organized religion. I love the color red. There is a passion, a commitment, a wildness to it. I love words and the way that they can make ideas and thoughts come to life. Most of all, I love life. It’s so beautiful, even when it hurts and even when it’s not what you want.
The world is not respectable; it is mortal, tormented, confused, deluded forever; but it is shot through with beauty, with love, with glints of courage and laughter; and in these, the spirit blooms….. ~George Santayana
Topics: Life |